


in my head, we belong

by sobraniee



Series: like you do [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2020 Season, Abu Dhabi GP 2020, Angst, Angst and Feels, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:26:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29187774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sobraniee/pseuds/sobraniee
Summary: The race didn’t matter. His position didn’t matter. Charles could’ve had a DNF for all he cared for and wouldn’t have minded. He was dreading this day, and now it was here. Sebastian’s last race with Ferrari. His last day of being Charles’ teammate.or: Sebastian leaves Ferrari and Charles doesn't know how to deal with it.(prequel to 'we'll start by holding hands')
Relationships: Charles Leclerc & Sebastian Vettel, Charles Leclerc/Sebastian Vettel
Series: like you do [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118180
Comments: 8
Kudos: 76





	in my head, we belong

**Author's Note:**

> (this can be read as the prequel to "we'll start by holding hands" or as a stand-alone) 
> 
> title inspiration: streets by doja cat (it just hits different)

The race didn’t matter. His position didn’t matter. Charles could’ve had a DNF for all he cared for and wouldn’t have minded. He was dreading this day, and now it was here. 

Sebastian’s last race with Ferrari. His last day of being Charles’ teammate. 

Charles tried his best to suppress the urge to bawl his eyes out, tried his hardest not to attract any attention at any interviews he gave over the race weekend. He wasn’t usually the one to study the PR teams pre-made statements, but this time they came in very handy. 

It was when he sat in his room in the motorhome, fresh out of the shower after the race, when he saw the video in the group chat he and some of his mechanics shared. The clip of Sebastian singing his changed version of  _ Azzurro _ as a farewell present was swirling around in Charles’ mind as he tried to collect his thoughts for the next couple of hours. Seb’s gentle and love-filled voice made Charles’ heart ache. Charles secretly wished, no he prayed, for Seb to talk to him that way only once in his life too. 

He had to go through the leaving trophy ceremony, helmet swap and goodbye dinner, and then it was over. 

Charles took in deep breaths, closing his eyes, and counting the inhales and exhales to calm himself down. He could do this. He told himself that he could get through the evening. His heartbeat and shaking hands tried to prove him otherwise. 

He was instructed to wait at the paddock with the rest of the crew. Charles wanted to hide in the masses, wanted to disappear and be left alone with the pain, but he was grabbed by the wrists and placed next to the huge trophy in the middle of the group. 

Charles closed his eyes for a second, trying to drown out the mumblings of the people around him. He crouched down next to the trophy, scolding himself for letting his eyes wander over the engravings in the front. _All the wins._ _All the memories._ Charles remembered watching some of them on TV when he was younger. But it was the ones that he shared with Sebastian that stayed on the youngers mind the longest and brightest. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the crew around him clapping. Charles’ breath hitched when he laid eyes on Sebastian. As if his body was on autopilot, he started to clap in unison with the rest of the crew. His eyes were glued on Sebastian as Charles tried to blink away the blurriness. He was thankful for the mask. He wouldn’t have been able to form a genuine smile if he had to. 

Charles continued to observe. If this was his last day with Seb, he might as well try to remember every second of it. Sebastian’s eyes crinkled from happiness when he let his eyes roam around the group of people. Charles felt the blurriness creep back when Sebastian made quick eye contact with the younger. Charles thought he forgot how to breathe when he let out a shaky exhale, luckily drowned out by the clapping. 

Sebastian made his round, thanking a couple of members of the crew before crouching down next to Charles. Charles reminded himself that there were cameras everywhere, but he couldn’t stop the shudder that shook through his whole body. 

_ Inhale. _

_ Exhale.  _

_ Try not to look miserable. _

_ Try not to look in love. _

Lifting the trophy together was not something Charles enjoyed, but he knew he’d look for the pictures later that night. Sebastian looked so calm that anger was bubbling up in Charles’ chest as he watched Seb thank each member of the crew. Thankfully no one asked for him again, so Charles walked back into the garage. His emotions were all over the place. Sadness, sorrow, anger but also happiness. Charles knew how much this team meant to Sebastian, seeing everyone say their sincerest thanks and goodbye’s made Sebastian smile more than he did in the past months combined. 

_ It’s what he deserves.  _

–

The helmet swap even worse. Gone was everyone else except for them, their PR team, and a photographer. It was too intimate and allowed too much room for Charles to crack. Sebastian was still smiling warmly at him whenever he looked up, but Charles couldn’t bear to hold the gaze. With shaky hands, he replayed his carefully prepared sentence in his mind before writing them down. Silvia and Britta were talking in the back of the room, making Charles relax a bit.

Charles was surprised that he finished earlier than Seb. He nervously waited for the older to finish writing on his helmet. Charles gulped, rubbing his clammy hands against his trousers, blaming the heat when asked what’s wrong. 

“There you go,” Sebastian laid down his pen, giving his helmet a once over before handing it to Charles. With shaky hands, Charles gave his to Sebastian.

Sebastian gave him a reassuring smile before gently squeezing his shoulder, looking down at Charles’ helmet to read the message. Charles tried his best to give him one back, the mask no longer protecting him. He wished he could express his thoughts and deepest feelings better in words, but he couldn’t. Charles was sure that whatever Sebastian wrote for him, he would never be worthy of them. But against his better judgement, he decided to read the message.

_ To Charles, you are the most talented driver I came across in 15 years of F1. Don't waste it. But be sure whatever you do to be happy and smile. Thanks for everything! _

Charles had to blink away the fog that was clouding his eyes again, unnoticeably shaking his head. He was right, he wasn’t worthy of the words. 

_ Inhale.  _

_ Exhale.  _

_ Don’t cry.  _

“Thank you, Seb,” Charles gulped, pressing his lips together. Sebastian frowned but quickly smiled back when the camera flashed again. Charles was so occupied with his thoughts that he didn’t look at Sebastian to watch his reaction. Charles wanted to go back under the shower, not knowing yet if he wanted to torture himself with unbearing heat or coldness. All he could do was smile at the camera and get reassuring touches from Seb.

Seb let his hand wander down Charles back, settling at Charles’ waist and turning them away from the camera to look at their helmets in private. Charles’ skin was burning. 

“Thank you for the kind words,” Sebastian’s voice sounded moved, turning the helmet around in his head to look at it. The hand on Charles’ waist didn’t move, and Charles didn’t know how much shorter his breath could get before he’d pass out. 

“They are nothing,” Charles shook his head, not averting his eyes from Seb’s written words. 

Seb squeezed Charles’ waist before letting go. 

“Don’t say that,” his voice sounded angry, even hurt, and Charles looked up to an eerie-looking Sebastian. His gaze was burning and reminded Charles of the times, when Sebastian would argue with him in the motorhomes after a crash, or when Charles put himself down. It shook Charles down to the core. 

“Sorry.” 

“We’ll work on it,” Sebastian gave him a half-smile before turning around again. 

Silvia suggested that they should put on the helmets for one last picture and Charles reflexively balled his fists. He didn’t want to taint his only present from Sebastian only after 5 minutes of having it, but when Sebastian poked him with his elbow, Charles agreed. 

The helmet obviously didn’t fit correctly, it was too tight and Charles’ felt his cheeks squished by the material around him. It was all forgotten once Charles took a deep breath. His heart clenched when the smell of asphalt and musk hit him. The smell was too comforting for Charles, his brain associating it with reassurance, carefreeness and satisfaction after a good race. It was everything that Sebastian was for him – an anchor. 

Charles blinked away the tears, repeating his mantra in his head and trying to ground himself. Charles felt a glimmer of hope creep up in his chest. Even with Sebastian gone, he still had the helmet as his temporary anchor before the smell would fade away. Maybe one day he’d even have the courage to ask Sebastian what perfume or shampoo he was using. 

“Suits you,” Sebastian’s voice brought him back to reality. Charles blushed when he saw his helmet on Seb. He wondered if Sebastian could smell him too and if it meant something to him as well. 

“You too,” Charles gave him an honest smile and Sebastian’s gave him an approving nod. 

Charles didn’t want to take off the helmet ever again. 

–

Charles didn’t know how much longer he could hold up the facade. His body was exhausted from the race, and his mind had tortured him over the whole weekend. He poked around in his food, trying to listen to the conversations that were going on around him. The weather was perfect for a goodbye-dinner. The heat had subsided, leaving only a warm and soothing breeze on Charles’ skin. He was sitting at the end of the huge dinner table, his crew considerately leaving him alone. They always knew whenever Charles needed to be left alone. 

Charles pushed his plate away, propping his head on his hand to watch the lively dinner discussions around him. Sebastian was seated in the middle of the table, reciting old garage stories that Charles had heard countless times before. It was the second time that day that he genuinely smiled. Sebastian looked laid-back, enjoying himself, having fun with his colleagues and friends. Charles forgot how much the glistening happiness suited Seb. 

_ He deserves the world. _

However, Charles couldn’t stop his thoughts from raging. The feeling of happiness only lasting for a fleeting moment, when he realised again that this was the last time he was going to see Sebastian like this: in their team colours, talking about their memories and ranting about the race weekend. Charles started to play with the napkin on the table, his lips already nibbled off too much, they started to pulse and hurt. 

_ I should’ve been braver.  _

_ I should’ve complimented him more.  _

_ I didn’t thank him enough.  _

Charles closed his eyes, trying to concentrate on the warm air and the lively conversations around him. 

_ Inhale. _

_ Exhale. _

_ Don’t break. Not yet. _

“You okay?” Sebastian appeared out of thin air behind him, looking concerned. 

Charles winced, and Sebastian put his hand on Charles’ shoulder. Yet again Charles felt the heat radiating from where Sebastian touched him. 

_ Not worthy.  _

“Yes,” Charles lied. “Just exhausted.” 

Sebastian didn’t look convinced, and Charles frantically went through possible distraction topics in his mind. 

“You don’t have to stay if you’re tired,” Sebastian gave him a small smile, gently squeezing Charles’ shoulder. Charles suppressed a whimper. He didn’t deserve these touches, especially not today. 

“No,” Charles shook his head. “I wanna stay.” 

_ With you.  _

“I’m just finishing with Riccardo, we can walk to the hotel together if you want.” 

Charles mind was spinning as he let Sebastian’s suggestion sink in. 

“O-okay,” Charles stuttered. Seb nodded and walked away, the warmth of his hand still lingered on Charles’ shoulder. 

Charles stared at his plate, flexing and clenching his hands. He already got through the day, he could do this. He watched as Seb made his last round around the table, saying goodnight and thanking everyone once again. Charles stood up abruptly, his chair squeaking loudly. 

Sebastian walked towards him with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Charles thought that this must be how he looked like all day. 

“Ready?” 

Charles nodded, excusing himself from the table and wishing everyone a goodnight too. He’d see them all again tomorrow anyways. 

_ But not Seb.  _

The walk towards the hotel was scenic and quiet. Most teams had already finished for the day. Charles put his hands into his pockets, not wanting to fidget too much. 

“Did you like the trophy?” Charles looked at the harbour. 

“It’s huge,” Seb snorted. “But yes, it’s very sweet.” 

Charles nodded, briefly smiling at Sebastian before averting his gaze. 

“You’ll probably get an even bigger one,” Sebastian joked and poked Charles in the ribs again. 

Charles chuckled. 

“I don’t think so.” 

“I do.” 

Silence. Only the sound of their steps against the pebble stone was noticeable. 

“I wanted to say thank you again,” Charles began, turning slightly to face Sebastian. 

The older questioningly raised one eyebrow. 

“I meant what I said on the helmet.” 

“So did I,” Seb interrupted him, and Charles wanted to scream. 

Charles sighed instead, shaking his head. “I’m just very thankful for everything you did.” 

Sebastian let that sink in for a second. “Thank you, Charles.” 

They silently walked next to each other for a second, breathing in the fresh night air. Charles wished he’d dared to ask for walks like these more often. 

Sebastian audibly sighed. “You do know that I’m not retiring right?” 

“Of course,” Charles answered, furrowing his brows at the sheer suggestion of it. 

“But you kinda act like I am,” Sebastian croaked, and Charles balled his hands to fist in his pockets. 

“I’m just a bit sad,” Charles shrugged. “I guess.” 

_ Bad Liar.  _

Seb snorted as if he could also tell that Charles was heavily downplaying it. 

“You shouldn’t be sad,” Sebastian said as they walked through the hotel foyer, heading towards the elevators. 

Charles was crumbling with every step he took, overwhelmed with his emotions and the things he wanted to say but got stuck in the back of his throat. He couldn’t even form an answer for Seb as they stepped inside the elevator. Charles felt like he was suffocating and if he’d nibble just a little more on his lips they would bleed. Seb turned Charles towards him, and the younger shakily exhaled. Sebastian looked at him worryingly. The air around them felt heavy.

“I’m still here if you need me,” Sebastian reassured Charles, his hand squeezing again to emphasize his words. Charles weakly nodded. He needed to get into his room fast. If Charles would’ve been more careful, he would’ve seen the affection in Sebastian’s eyes. Sebastian looked at Charles with the same adoration as the younger did for three years. 

“Thank you,” he choked out, trying his hardest to smile honestly at Seb. 

Sebastian didn’t look convinced at all, the sadness surrounding them both when they stepped out of the elevator. They both had rooms in other directions, so they awkwardly stood in front of each other. 

Charles wanted this to be as painless as possible. Say goodbye, go to his room, cry himself to sleep. 

“Well, I guess-” 

Charles got interrupted when Sebastian pulled him into a tight hug that knocked all the air out of Charles’ lungs. The younger let out a small whimper, praying that Sebastian didn’t hear it. The warmth that radiated from Sebastian was unbearable. Charles wanted this feeling to never end as he desperately clung onto Seb’s shirt. He shakingly took a couple of deep breaths in, burning the smell into his brain. 

_ Inhale. _

_ Exhale. _

_ Remember this forever.  _

Neither of them made any indications of letting go of each other. Sebastian craved for this just as much as Charles did and it made Charles almost shake in his grip. He felt Sebastian’s even breath on his neck and was questioning his sanity. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to feel hope. Charles was afraid that if he’d move just a muscle, the spell would get broken. 

Charles reluctantly let go when he heard the ping of the elevator, already missing the touch. He was sure that his cheeks were on fire. He was out of breath, and his eyes were glossy from only a mere hug. He was too embarrassed to look up at Sebastian. 

He couldn’t bear it any more, he was going to break any second. 

“I-I’ll see you around,” Charles croaked. “Thank you again.” 

He swiftly looked up, noticing the sorrowful expression on Sebastian’s face, giving him a small smile and a nod. He wished he didn’t lookup. He couldn’t bear Sebastian looking at him like that. 

“Goodnight Charles,” Sebastian whispered. Charles silently thanked him for not saying goodbye.

Charles turned around and walked towards his room, his hands shaking as he tried to open the door. He didn’t dare to turn around to see if Sebastian was watching him. He didn’t want to hurt himself even more. Charles noticed that his whole body was shaking once he closed the door behind him. He didn’t turn on the light, the headlights from outsight illuminated his room just enough. 

With shaky legs, Charles walked towards the table. He carefully put Seb’s helmet there before heading towards dinner. He sat down on his bed, helmet in his lap and traced the message with his finger. 

Charles only realised that he was crying when he saw the teardrops splatter on the visor. He let out a shaky laugh, angry at himself for tainting the helmet even more. With rigid breaths, Charles carefully slipped on the helmet again. He held in his breath, closing his eyes in defeat as the tears finally rolled down his cheeks. 

_ Inhale.  _

_ Exhale. _

_ Let it out. _

  
  
  
  
  


–

Charles’ eyes were red and puffy when he read the message at 2 am. 

_ from: seb _

_ if you’re ever in switzerland, let me know _

_ we could spend some time together _

**Author's Note:**

> ...i'm sorry... but we all know what happens after.. sooOOOO????? I'm forgiven, right? 
> 
> thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos! I'm so thankful for each and every one of you ♡
> 
> tumblr: blesshimvettel


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